Gulf War No.37: Iranistan
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Blazing Saddles
Well-Known Member
So, as well all already knew. The goal of this war is to keep Trump out of public eye as far as the Epstein files are concerned.
There’s no other reason.
There’s no other reason.
CXRAndy
Epic Member
Pinno718
Guru
Are you surprised? Wiitkoff is an estate agent and Kushner is a crypto currency manager.
First Aspect
Guru
Is there any more text available? I'd like to better understand what they didn't understand, but I don't do Bluesky or X.
Pblakeney
Legendary Member
Im going to guess that they know nothing past uranium can be used to make a nuclear weapon.
icowden
Pharaoh
For anyone concerned about the influencers, Henry Morris has a new interview for the New Yorker.
https://www.thenewworld.co.uk/henry...shell-at-home-in-dubai-with-isabel-oakeshott/
https://www.thenewworld.co.uk/henry...shell-at-home-in-dubai-with-isabel-oakeshott/
The bombs and the bombshell: At home in Dubai with Isabel Oakeshott
The right wing hack and partner of Reform’s Richard Tice welcomes us into her magnificent war-torn penthouse (note to lawyers: this is satire)
Henry Morris
Dubai, with its petrodollars, its lack of taxes, its illiberal laws and its deeply unhappy residents, is the vision Oakeshott and Tice have for Britain. Image: TNW
*This is satire, and Isabel Oakeshott would definitely not behave like this. Although…
I am with Isabel Oakeshott on her Dubai penthouse balcony when the air explodes and crackles with the sort of theatricality usually reserved for the finale of a James Cameron blockbuster. The fact that this doesn’t distract her from berating her personal trainer for being six minutes late says a lot about the singular nature of her exile.
A Shahed drone flies in front of the Dubai Marine skyline that resembles a Shell-sponsored PowerPoint graph, and onward into the Fairmont hotel. We all gasp.
“Oh my God”, says Oakeshott as a fireball engulfs the structure. “They’d better still honour my dinner reservation.”
I reach for my phone. “What are you doing?” she asks.
“Ringing our photographer to make sure she’s safe.” “Why?”
It is 10am in Dubai, and the air temperature is already somewhere between sauna and gridlocked August bank holiday traffic. Residents are advised to shelter indoors. Airspace is closed. Geopolitical tension that makes super green smoothies tremble has arrived.
A highly erratic theocratic regime explains why we may be witnessing the first stages of the third world war. Iran is unstable, too. But Oakeshott stays on-message.
“I left London because it is a war zone,” she tells me, as a Patriot interceptor missile blasts another rocket overhead. Her face, rigidly expressionless after years of claiming to love Richard Tice, is briefly framed by the fireball and looks like the rage emoji.
London, in this telling, has sunk into a condition somewhere between post-Roman Britain and Mad Max: Fury Road. Crime stalks the pavements. Public order trembles. Tax authorities lurk with new and imaginative ideas.
It is difficult to know which audience Oakeshott holds in more disdain: the Londoners who live in the imagined state of anarchy she needs to invoke to have this existential conversation, or the people of Boston and Skegness, a place she and its MP, Tice, deem so impressive that neither of them lives there.
Tice was elected to represent the constituency on a wave of anti-elite and anti-immigrant sentiment. One wonders, then, what these constituents might think about his inamorata’s decision to become an immigrant in the land of privilege and Sharia. Although, in electing an agent of climate denial to represent one of Britain’s most low-lying constituencies, perhaps it is an electorate that has not been thinking too hard.
https://archive.ph/o/qMDQq/https://...ry-morris-operation-epic-fury-as-it-happened/
With a Wi-Fi connection strong enough to follow British politics without having to endure its proximity, Oakeshott hovers like a curious kestrel above Westminster’s chaos. Spotting grievances at distance, she pounces on them like voles, and once her talons are sunk, can regurgitate partly digested populist sentiment almost at will.
Today, she occupies the grim perineum between journalism and politics. Born in 1974, she was educated first at Gordonstoun, where she was given a grounding in confidence and disdain for minor inconvenience, then the University of Bristol.
Oakeshott became political editor of the Sunday Times in 2010. Her early career was defined by scoops. From uncorroborated allegations in Call Me Dave that David Cameron put his penis inside a pig’s mouth, to convincing Vicky Pryce to implicate her estranged husband Chris Huhne in a driving points scam which led to both of them being imprisoned, to leaking more than 100,000 of Matt Hancock’s private pandemic-era WhatsApp messages in 2023, her Smoke Alarm nickname is well-earned: she is known for burning her sources.
I am crouching behind a large filing cabinet marked ‘leverage’.
“This is nothing. I trained as a reporter in Glasgow,” she tells me, as a piece of shrapnel embeds itself in her Nutribullet, splattering the personal trainer. “Samir, I need you to go home and change your shirt. And I’ve been exiled because I’ve dared to wield power too effectively. Take the stairs, it’s dangerous to use the lift in an air raid. I’m like Eleanor of Aquitaine.”
“Yes”, I say, unsure of the parallels between the most eligible woman in medieval Europe and the sort of self-imposed disappearance that comes with rooftop cocktails, pristine beaches, and zero personal income tax.
“Eleanor and I were on enforced retreats. But it is in such interludes that an exiled queen can reflect, regroup, and tweet about how London has fallen.”
I try to keep up. “Er, in this instance, then, is Sadiq Khan Henry II?”
“Sadiq Khan is Saladin,” snaps Oakeshott. I am keen not to allow her extravagant metaphors to overshadow the ones I’ve already got lined up, so it’s a relief when her phone rings.
“No. Yes. I told you. How much? Samir had a stain on his shirt. Yes. I’ll sack him when he gets back. It’s the only way they learn.” She hangs up.
“Richard”, she explains.
“Was he ringing to ask if you’re OK?” I ask.
“No. He was ringing to tell me the Dow Jones has fallen 740 points.”
News breaks that Ayatollah Khomeini is dead. “Good. With regime change, the protestors will not have died in vain,” says Oakeshott, whose default position is always directly-to-the-right-of-the-worst-person-you-can-think-of.
“Can regimes get bombed into changing themselves?” I ask, doing my best Louis Theroux. “World war two,” she states, flatly.
“I’m not sure we installed Oswald Mosley in 1940, did we?” This seems to irritate her. She tells me we are going for a walk around the marina.
On the face of things, I am told, we are perambulating among yachts whose pearly hulls glint like the bones of migrant workers who died in appalling conditions, to demonstrate British grit. But I soon understand that the true purpose is to instil in me the attentive silence needed for her imperious pronouncements.
After 15 minutes, I am struggling to establish which is more relentless. The midday sun, or Isabel Oakeshott’s grievances.
I decide to flout Islamic cultural stereotypes, and walk ten paces behind her, where I become distracted by the imported palms that bow deferentially to pedestrians whose loose-fitting clothes betray anxiety. Whether it’s the ballistic missiles overhead or the knowledge that their seven-figure salaries will never compensate them for not knowing how to communicate with their own children, it strikes me that capitalism’s end state may not be worth the long positions it’s written on.
And yet Dubai, with its petrodollars, its lack of taxes, its illiberal laws and its deeply unhappy residents, is the vision Oakeshott and Tice have for Britain.
Her thin voice continues to recite resentments by rote. “. . . public sector inefficiency, immigrants kicking pensioners off hip replacement lists, teachers having fatwahs issued on them by trans people . . . yes Dubai is vulnerable to ballistic missiles. But its private schools remain reassuringly untouched by the British Treasury.”
If exile teaches anything—from Eleanor of Aquitaine to Benazir Bhutto—it is that the distance between persecution and lifestyle choice is measured in tax codes. And when the bombs finally fall, she’ll be there waiting, impeccably indifferent: the Lioness in Nuclear Winter.
icowden
Pharaoh
Henry was also lucky enough to be able to get a detailed blow by blow account of operation Epic Fury
‘Operation Epic Fury – as it happened’
Donald Trump takes on the world and loses - as imagined by Henry Morris
Henry Morris
Recent world events, as imagined by Henry Morris. Image: TNW/Getty
08:30
Pete Hegseth accidentally adds Ayatollah Khomeini to the Top Secret “Operation Epic Fury” Signal group. He then removes Marco Rubio from the chat for pointing this out.
08:52
President Trump releases a video address confirming the attack.
“A short time ago, the United States began major combat operations in Iran. Our objective is to defend the American people from the very imminent threat posed by the Epstein files.”
09:17
Hegseth confirms that fire, brimstone and pictures of Christina Aguilera are raining down on Iranian targets.
“Any red-blooded Iranian who encounters a picture of Dirrty-era Christina and doesn’t immediately try and topple the regime is a sworn enemy of Uncle Sam.”
10:29
The UK grinds to a halt with concern for Dubai-based patriot Isabel Oakeshott after Iran launches missiles at the UAE.
10:42
Red Crescent officials report that 153 people have been killed at a girl’s boarding school in the town of Minab in Hormozgan province. Capt Buzz Studebaker, spokesperson for US Central Command, said:
“We take these reports seriously and we’re looking into them but ultimately, we need to ask why these young girls were seeking to get educated in Iran at a time when Donald Trump is fighting for his political life.”
11:08
Al Jazeera reports attacks on facilities linked to US forces across the region. Watching live with his generals in Mar-a-Lago, President Trump experiences a chronic bone spurs flare-up after getting too close to their military uniforms. He names Kid Rock as “Acting Commander-in-Chief” while he goes to recover on the golf course.
11:32
On an emergency recording of The Moral Maze, Melanie Philips accuses Benjamin Netanyahu of “egregious antisemitism” after he orders the closure of Israeli schools and workplaces: “Anyone pandering to this Islamist aggression may as well be a member of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard themselves.”
https://archive.ph/o/gxPwQ/https://...s-iran-war-trump-has-now-sealed-his-own-fate/
12:14
Karoline Leavitt addresses concerns that Donald Trump doesn’t have a long-term strategic plan by announcing that David Hasselhoff will be Iran’s next Supreme Leader.
“In repeated AI simulations, The Hoff is the only person on earth who scores consistently across Persian, Azerbaijani and Kurdish demographics.”
12:27
Reports emerge that Hegseth’s Signal chat has grown to 247 participants after he accidentally shares an invite link with his HYROX training group.
1:12
With the future of the planet on a knife edge, and Kid Rock riding around on a Harley Davidson and only communicating in song lyrics from American Badass, unease grows among the press pool at Mar-a-Lago.
12:51
Reuters reports disruption to oil shipping through the Strait of Hormuz. The White House immediately denies this, stating:
“That doesn’t sound like a real place.”
13:48
A mayday signal is received from the USS Abraham Lincoln, flagship of the strike group in the Arabian Sea, after David Hasselhoff begins performing the Baywatch theme tune, I’m Always Here, on the bridge.
13:53
At an Ashfield recruiting office, an excited Lee Anderson is refused permission to enlist in the RAF as an ICBM.
14:34
Zarah Sultana announces on X that the attacks are blatant “US imperialist aggression.”
15:07
Jeremy Corbyn releases a counterstatement on X calling the attacks “Aggressive US imperialism.”
15:31
Zarah Sultana and Jeremy Corbyn release a joint Your Party statement calling for the immediate formation of a steering committee to explore the feasibility of drafting a consultation paper outlining whether the US is being imperially aggressive or aggressively imperial.
16:05
Benjamin Netanyahu addresses the world’s media. A cynical and wicked mass-murderer, he also tells the press that Ayatollah Khomeini is dead.
16:29
A bipartisan group in Congress demands more clarity on the strategic objective. Pete Hegseth responds with a thirty-second video of himself bench pressing 220lbs.
https://archive.ph/o/gxPwQ/https://...a-new-yorker-profile-as-told-to-henry-morris/
16:50
In an expression of solidarity with their American counterparts, verified footage coming out of Tehran shows ordinary Iranians burning pictures of Kid Rock in the street and clamouring for regime change in the far-flung country.
17:17
The first British casualty of the conflict occurs when Tommy Robinson attempts to start a holy war against Muslims by burning a Bhagavad Gita outside a Gurdwara in Dudley, but after igniting the Chinese-made polyester George Cross flag in which he’s draped, he has to visit A&E instead.
17:25
After carding a world record 54 on the golf course, and granting the Iranians more of what they want by relieving Kid Rock of his posting, President Trump files a £2 billion lawsuit against the BBC after news bulletin footage of him telling Iranians to mount an insurrection is edited to make him sound coherent.
17:36
The Bank of England announces that the UK economy is weathering the economic storm. This is largely due to buoyant consumer confidence following the news that Isabel Oakeshott has been found safe in Dubai. She issues this statement:
“Despite my enthusiasm for paying top rate tax, I have been forced to live in a city vulnerable to missile attacks because Sadiq Khan has turned London into a warzone where rainbows are painted on zebra crossings.”
18:42
With the Operation Epic Fury Signal Chat now functionally unusable because it has 15,000 members and is being repeatedly spammed with AI images of David Hasselhoff in clerical robes, Pete Hegseth migrates it to Roblox.
20:03
White House officials confirm that “Phase Two: Cultural Jihad” is now taking place. It features a coordinated airdrop across Iranian urban centres of vintage World Wrestling Federation VHSs, the bright orange plastic floating devices popularised in Baywatch, and a “Frequently Asked Questions” document which clarifies that Operation Epic Fury is “not regime change” but “regime hot-desking”.
21:15
As Gulf nations intercept the latest wave of Iranian strikes, capital flight from exposed markets accelerates and destabilisation across the region spreads, a buoyant president Trump hosts a FIFA sponsored Victory Telethon at Mar-a-Lago. While Kid Rock discharges an AK47 into the sky in front of an upside-down map of the region and a banner that reads MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, Trump announces: “We’re bringing tremendous stability. The best stability. Nobody stabilises like we do.”
Psamathe
Guru
A reflection on "The Markets" after Trûmp tried to lower the price of oil and improve the Markets by assuring them it will "be ending soon" (contradicting his "Secretary of War). And the oil price dropped a fair bit, etc. How daft are "The Markets" to believe anything out of Trūmp's mouth. I thought everybody realised that he just makes up whatever lies drift across his consciousness at that moment and bear no relation to reality ... yet "The Markets" believe him. Staggering.
First Aspect
Guru
My read is they are reacting not so much on what he said, but that he said something to suggest he's worried about the oil price and stock market.
Trump is about instant gratification, and that cuts both ways.
My prediction is the US will get bored with blowing things up in around a month, declare they have achieved their objectives of blowing up the most things in history ever, and leave Israel to continue to persecute civilians in the Lebanon and West Bank, and to take the occasional pot shot at a hospital or old people's home harbouring terrorists in Terhan.
The rest of the west will then work with the Arab nations and as distantly as possible from the US and Israel to restore some sense of security over shipping and oil supplies.
I also speculate that there will be some sort of humanitarian crisis in Tehran.
UglyWithaSidePart
New Member
I hear you and agree. Markets are almost entirely sentiment driven by humans. Strange things happen during bad weather for instance, mood changes and sentiment changes.
Algorithmic trading has tried to remedy this and brought along its own problems.
I worked in a global bank for my last 20 years of working life.
Pinno718
Guru
Perhaps someone should offer them a cup of tea with some Uranium in it to try.
Tell them it's great tasting stuff.
Pinno718
Guru
Well written. I like the line "Today, she occupies the grim perineum between journalism and politics".
Pblakeney
Legendary Member
Would be a nice 24 hour spell to sell before the market plummets again though?
Yes, I am that cynical.
Pinno718
Guru
Six reasons why it's not Trump's fault he hadn't heard of the Strait of Hormuz
https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news...-heard-of-the-strait-of-hormuz-20260311264793
